When I went to [my friend's] mixer, I felt a strong sense of the uneasiness I have always felt around Ivy League upper class. I suddenly felt as though I didn't speak as well, wasn't sharp enough, refined enough, and that I was somehow an poser/fraud who sneaked in the side door.
I find myself gravitating towards the less beautiful and the less rich, those with less status, at such events - anybody else who might also have the sneaky suspicion that they don't belong and are only politely tolerated.
Part of me wants to say that I don't belong with a bunch of phony snobs, but another part of me wonders if perhaps I secretly want to be accepted by them. My own insecurity is followed by a backlash of sneering. Sour Grapes.
The person I spent the longest time talking to was a woman who went to Yale but spent a year as a stripper. I think she has experienced some of the same ambivalence about elitism that I have. I'm not sure I agree with the whole "stripping as feminist empowerment thing" but at least she was friendly and didn't look down on anyone.
Not even my friends read this blog anymore. What am I writing it for?
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