Friday, August 30, 2013

The Socially Anxious Nymphomaniac Goes On A Date

Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I, Valerie Bane, went on a date last night. Finally breaking my months-long streak of flirting with guys via text message, then dropping off the face of the Earth as soon as they actually ask me out.

Anyway, THIS date was an act precipitated partly by boredom, partly by desperation, partly by an incredibly stern talking-to I got via email, wherein I attempted to define myself as “idealistically picky” and she countered with “naively delusional."

Some of the things she said did strike me as being uncomfortably near the truth. I can’t spend my life lying around in my room imagining that Zeus will magically descend to me through my tower window in a thrilling golden shower. I can’t spoil myself for REAL boys, who breathe and smell and sweat, by continuously picturing chiseled gods of sex and darkness who always know what to do in bed because they can literally read my mind. I can’t keep taking these extended leave of absences from reality. So I said yes to someone who, on the minus side, I am not massively attracted to…but who, on the plus side, is a living, breathing human male.

I’ll give it to Real Boy: he tried so hard to do all the right things. In fact, he seemed to think it was necessary to check with me before doing ANYTHING. When I asked him where we were going, he said, “Where do you feel like going?” When we finished dinner, he said, “What would you like to do now?” When he walked me to my door, he said, “Would it be okay if I kissed you?”

Gentlemen, a note: If you want to sweep a girl off her feet, DO NOT PUT THE BURDEN OF EVERY SINGLE DECISION ON HER SHOULDERS! Especially not on the first date! I don’t want to be treated with kid gloves when I’m languishing for you to pin me to the nearest wall and ravish me properly!

I digress. Real Boy was a decent kisser, and by decent, I mean it didn’t hurt. I realized I’d forgotten just how much the other person’s nose can get in the way, and I remembered how much the smell of cologne irks me (seriously, boys, just don’t). I extricated myself from him as gently as possible when he started groping towards second base, and closed my door in his nice face. Then I went to my room and had an incredible orgasm as I pictured getting kidnapped by a fallen angel who traded his soul to Lucifer because of his insatiable lust for a human girl named Valerie Bane…

Fantasy: one, Reality: zero. It was a pleasure to make your acquaintance, real world. If you need me, I’ll be in my head.


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